Brain, heart and mortal ego-combat

“I’m tired,” said Brain.

“Tired of what?” said Heart.

“I’m tired of all the worry, all the thoughts that keep happening to me, I’m tired of the tightness around me. My neurotransmitters are burnt out,” said Brain.

“Tell me more...” said Heart.

Brain started buzzing: “I’ve got so much going on, you won’t understand, you’re just a heart. You’re like a child, you're all sunshine and love, well I am the adult and adulting is very hard.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Heart.

Brain sighed. “Thanks, look I’ve got important things like hating my job, paying the gas bill and worrying about Putin to do, I better crack on...”

But Heart kept beating on... “So what do you want?”

“I said I’ve got important things to......” Brain stopped. “What I want? I want to not feel like this!”

“That’s what you don’t want. But what do you want?” Asked Heart.

“Well, I suppose I want... happiness, peace, good sleep.”

“So, stop thinking so much,” said Heart.

“Err... easy for you to say,” said Brain.

Heart swelled: “I just mean, let me do the thinking for a bit.”

“Well where will that get us?” asked Brain.

Heart: “I don't know.”

Brain: “Fat lot of good then.”

Heart: “But it’ll be lovely. Don’t you see, that’s the beauty of it. You don’t know, you just follow when I light up... I’m like a beacon – ding!”

Brain: “Sounds silly. And, FYI, I’m the one who has lightbulb moments.”

Heart: “Well, let’s just try. Start small, we'll turn our face to a little ray of sunshine --”

Brain: “I knew you’d say sunshine.”

Heart lit up. “Just hand me the reins. You said you want to feel happy. Just for today, let me shine the way.”

“Fine.” said Brain.

And Brain did have a little holiday that day and you know what – it was lovely. And afterwards Brain had its own little lightbulb moments again.

Happy Tuesday

Love,

Jo x

P.S. If you fancy reading about a battle I had with my ego (written during mortal ego-combat) see the story below.

Battle of the ego

(As I write this my ego is writhing and wrath-ing and spitting and spewing like a total monster).

Here it is:

I have just had a call with the vet receptionist: I have failed to book the cats’ second vaccine dose within the allocated four week time-frame, today is the last day they can have it before we must pay double again to restart the vaccine programme (again). I am working today. Apparently doing the vaccines at 6pm today (when I am working) is ok, but tomorrow at 9am (when I’m not working) is somehow not ok re vaccine efficacy, hence they won't let me do this. Oh, but there are no appointments at this vet today anyway, so we must go to another branch, further away. She has politely pointed out that, had I booked in good time, none of this would have been a problem for me.

In addition. Over the past three days I have: lost my bankcard (after just receiving a new one, to replace the one I’d dropped on the bus). Dropped and lost my house keys – most likely in the playground sandpit. And left a shopping bag (a nice fabric one) with three gifts I’d just bought, plus my daughter’s favourite hair clip, in a fish & chip shop half an hour away.

And here’s what my ego is doing right now: it’s running me with thoughts like “You are bloody useless, how do you keep doing this, for God’s sake why can’t the vet just allow an extra 24 hours to get your shizzle together?? You have far too much work to be driving across a city to the only other vet that has availability today while up against a deadline. You still haven’t even made it to the fish & chip shop incase anyone handed the bag in."

And on it goes: "What is wrong with the world, it never cuts me any slack!! My husband is going to despair in me. Doesn’t anyone know it’s really hard to keep keys and bank cards and cats healthy and give thoughtful gifts, when there’s so much going on???”

And here’s what my body is doing as a result: my heart is skipping, my neck is throbbing, tinnitus is ringing like mad in my ears and I am flaring with flaming agitation.

And so my ego is getting stronger: “Well, that’s it, day destroyed, work buggered. You're useless. Why are you writing about this? Everything is against ME.”

And so now my physical stress is BLAZING in my chest.

And now I’m a total victim to it all. And I'm feeding it...

Except: I have a choice.

I can make a decision right now to not identify with my stressful thoughts.

...And now I’ve done this for two minutes...

I’ve observed what the thoughts are saying, and I’ve allowed myself to feel the physical sensations. (My ego doesn’t want this, it wants me to stay raging, but I’m observing this too.)

And now there’s some space and some breath.

I could not have talked myself out of it. But I have – it feels – observed my way out. I don’t feel ecstatic, but there’s some eye-achy peace. In fact, it’s a peace that wasn’t there before the call with the vet. And I can get on now, I can take the cats to the vet, I can order another bank card and get new keys cut. At some point I’ll get to the fish & chip shop. And it’s ok. 🙂

(And after I just wrote that last line my husband got home and said he’ll happily take the cats to the new vet as it's next to Screwfix 😂).